how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
