mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
