She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
