just tell him i said nine months
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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