I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
two words...techno handjob
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
