Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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