Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
