she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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