Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
