woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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