Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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