Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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