I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You smell like stripper and shame
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
