if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
