I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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