Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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