Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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