I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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