I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
