It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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