I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
