dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
