I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
