I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
