Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
