At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
