I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
