guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
