guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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