My boss' voice literally gives me gas
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
