Someone shit on the floor
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
