Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
