Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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