U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
