I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize