Swine flu. Run for my life!
You smell like stripper and shame
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
