i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
