It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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