i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
