I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
