I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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