i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
