I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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