I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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