Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So squirting runs in the family.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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