Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
