I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
