Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
