I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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