Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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