The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
