Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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