your parents love me but you hate me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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