i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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