Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
