i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
