There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
