haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
