genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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