Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
