wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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