I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
