i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
