Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
