i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
