im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
